


Fear of Moments Stolen

by drunkicarus



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternative Timeline, Canonical Character Death, Castiel Bears the Mark of Cain (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Prays to Castiel, Episode Tag, Episode: s15e09 The Trap, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Everything Hurts, Heavy Angst, M/M, The Author Regrets Everything, alternative universe, episode s15e09 coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-19 10:33:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22309636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunkicarus/pseuds/drunkicarus
Summary: After almost a year he can’t still bring himself to pray in what was their room. It has too many memories, hovering in his mind like a tide ready to drown him every time he goes to bed too sober to realize he’s falling asleep clutching a tan trench coat. This days he finds the courage to fall asleep on their bedroom if he’s wasted, so drunk that every prayer he sends into the ether is a mumbled mess of sobs and apologies.A coda set in Chuck's alternative future viewed from Dean's prayers
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 44





	Fear of Moments Stolen

**April 17, 2020**

That night neither of them sleeps. It hurts too much to let their eyes close and their minds forget, even for brief hours.

It doesn’t feel right. It will never feel right because Claire is dead and they are not. They are here, in a bed, together, and Claire is ash in the wind.

Cas trembles in his arms, waves of shudders spreading on his body veiled with perspiration, and Dean does the only thing he knows can help. He hugs his angel closer to his chest, buries his nose in the mildly damp hair and kiss his nape.

It’s not much, not against the Mark, but it’s everything he can do.

Cas curls around Dean’s arms and, for a few minutes, settles down. It’s in moments like this that everything seems right, when he can fake everything is okay and they are finally free of living their life how they always wanted it to be. Together.

Then Cas starts trembling again and that waking dream comes crushing down on him. The anger runs hotly in his veins, runs in his body even hotter, and Dean close his eyes against the blue halo coming from a scar he knows too well branded on the wrong arm. He knows he’s losing Cas, knows that losing Claire will only quicken the frenzy and knows, deep inside, what he must do.

But for now his angel needs him so he tightens his hold and they grieve together the loss of a daughter.

**January 6, 2021**

It’s a long way back to the bunker, longer still with the guilt clamping down his throat and Sam refusing to talk. He does that a lot, Dean reflects, since Eileen died against that pagan god. He closed himself off, jumping in every hunt like an anchor. It’s not healthy, far from it but he doesn’t have the strength to stop his brother and his death wish. Nor Bobby’s, or Jody’s. He doesn’t have the strength to do much nowadays.

With a sigh he sits on his bed, his hand reaching out on the side of the bed that has been too empty for far too many months now.

“Hey Cas, how’re doing buddy? I read about that nest in North Carolina, this morning. I wanted to come down there, you know, see if you were still around. Good job, buddy, maybe just... a little too gruesome, you know? I-- Sam dragged me to Iowa, though. Said there was a werewolf pack that needed to be taken care of. And we did, we did Cas but... we lost. I let some kids dies because there were wolves everywhere. And it’s my fault, Sam kept telling me to burst in but I didn’t. And they bled out under our eyes, because of me. And you could have helped, heal them. But you’re not here. You’re not here, Cas. Come back, please, we can fix this. We fixed it once, we can do it again. Just-- come back, please. I miss you, angel”

**November 3, 2021**

After almost a year he can’t still bring himself to pray in what was their room. It has too many memories, hovering in his mind like a tide ready to drown him every time he goes to bed too sober to realize he’s falling asleep clutching a tan trench coat. This days he finds the courage to fall asleep on their bedroom if he’s wasted, so drunk that every prayer he sends into the ether is a mumbled mess of sobs and apologies.

No, the table map is a much more safer place to send his daily prayer to Cas, a glass always near.

_I’m done Cas. I-- I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I give up. I can’t do this anymore, every day it’s worse than the day before. Every hunt feel like a failure, it’s like trying to save a sinking ship. We lose more people than we save and the monsters just keeps on coming one after another, without pause. We can’t win, not this time. It’s too much and there’s no hope to end this. It’s not an enemy, Cas, but an army we can’t stop. We lost too much. Donna, the girls, Garth… they tried and where are they now? Just a bunch of-- I can’t lose anyone else Cas, not after you. I’m so tired of running in circles. So I’m done, I just told Sam. No more hunts, no more dead bodies to burn. I just hope Sam will--_

“I’m riding that nest, with or without you” Sam’s voice comes, interrupting his prayer and giving him the answers he hoped to never hear.

His gut screams at him to say no, to stay here. They already lost Claire and Alex to nest turned out too big, but his heart begs him to not leave his brother alone.

_I can’t let him go alone, Cas. One last hunt, I promise. I miss you angel and I love you. See ya tomorrow._

“Then I guess I don’t have a choice, do I?”

**December 9, 2022**

_Buddy, Cas, I don’t even know if you can hear my prayers like this but… Sam is dead. And I’m--- well if you got your ears on it’s time to turn them off. I’m sorry angel, I think you’ll not hear from me again. I love y--_

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why i wrote this. I'm really, really sorry but I couldn't stop myself.  
> And yes I'm that clown that write angst even if we practically have our idiots canon. Help me.  
> As always, english is not my first language and i don't have a beta.  
> Any comment and kudos is much appreciated.


End file.
